50!!!!!!

We've got fifty days to go as of today...whoo-hoo! Fifty seems so much closer than 100; and besides that, we've got TONS of things to keep us busy for over half of that time...two Christmas parties, our church program, a trip to Gatlinburg, tons of shopping, time with visiting family, our normal work schedule, and doctor's appointments with R. Hopefully, that will make the time fly!

Today as I woke up and realized what day this was, I got excited. Time is slowly but surely ticking away. And to be honest, just as quickly, I thought, "Don't get TOO excited...you don't know how this is going to turn out." A couple of hours later, my mom called, and I reminded her that today marked fifty days left. She cheered, and I told her I was trying not to let me imagination run away with me. She asked something that kind've took me by surprise: "Do you really think that NOT getting excited is going to help you feel better if things don't work out the way you hope?"

Hmmmm. No, it really won't. What's the point of not getting excited?

Now for me, being excited means letting my mind go to the place of picturing this baby in my home...crying over him with my hubby...taking him to church...going to my parents' house on lazy Saturdays and watching them play with him and act so silly:)...perusing the baby stores with him...singing to him as I rock him...watching my sister spoil him...seeing my friends who've prayed for him for so long love on him. It doesn't mean going bananas on the "stuff"...I'm still not buying anything we don't HAVE to have until he's officially ours. But I'm going to really let myself get excited about what I KNOW will happen...I KNOW we will be there when he is born. Whatever happens, I will get to experience the joy of delivery with R, and that may be the only time I ever have a front row seat to the most beautiful experience on earth. THAT I can get excited about. God has answered our prayers, and it's time I start rejoicing in what He has ALREADY done instead of worrying about how I'll deal with what He WILL do. Either way, He will be there with me. I literally have no clue what's going to happen, but why worry about it? It's not going to change anything anyway!

And speaking of being excited, go here to begin an awesome journey with my friend Jodi who has finally gotten the go-ahead to pursue adoption! It will be a great trip!:)

calm once again

Today was good. I kind've had some freak-out moments last week, so I'm glad that I got to see R again and settle me down. She is right on time, measuring at 32 weeks and feeling Little Guy moving around like crazy. Every time I went to feel him move, he stopped, so I'm hoping I have a calming influence on him?:) We got to hear the heartbeat for the first time...the hubby recorded it on his cell phone. SO COOL!!!

We met her doctor...interesting. To be honest, I wasn't incredibly thrilled with the way he talked to R (made her feel stupid when she asked questions while trying to sound funny), but he wasn't rude to me and the hubby, and she had warned us beforehand about his personality. He WILL probably be some comic relief in the delivery room...I just hope he's sensitive to her and how she feels about all of this.

R seems to be doing well. She talked about her Thanksgiving and showed us some pictures of her family, and she told us that her counselor is working with her on picturing what coming home without Little Guy will be. In some ways, I am glad that she already has a child to come home to, because I can't imagine going through this awful time and coming home to.....nobody.

When I asked her about the email, which pretty much consumed my thoughts last week, she said that she hadn't had a chance to get on the computer at her mom's or the library. Sounds so logical...almost makes me laugh at how worried I was about it. It's always something!

We have another appointment on the 14th...two weeks! That's when I'll give her a Christmas gift...which I'm still wondering about. I'm thinking that I'll give her a gift card to Michael's because she wants to start a scrapbook for Little Guy and give it to me to finish, but she doesn't have the money to buy the supplies. Any other ideas?

optimistic vs. realistic

I've kind've been living in two worlds lately. There's the optimistic world, and the realistic world. To be honest, some people would label the realistic one as pessimistic, but given the current situation, I think realistic is more...realistic. Here's the proof:

OPTIMISTIC: bought the changing pad cover so I have a sample of colors
REALISTIC: kept the receipt in case I need to return it

OPTIMISTIC: went to H.ome De.pot and brought home color swatches for the nursery
REALISTIC: made sure the swatches match what is already in that room (guest room)

OPTIMISTIC: wrote R an email because she may have been given the wrong spelling of hubby's name in our email address...that's why she hasn't written even though SHE asked for our email, right?
REALISTIC: realized she may not have wanted to write us yet

OPTIMISTIC: picked out clothes I want for Little Guy while shopping today
REALISTIC: did that MENTALLY...didn't buy anything

OPTIMISTIC: let my grandma say there would be a baby here this time next year
REALISTIC: realized that might not be true...and we will just have to deal with that if it comes

This is just a sampling...there is more, but I'll spare you. I am trying VERY HARD not to dwell on this thought, but maybe shooting it out to cyber-space will help me actually get it out and move on....

WHAT WILL OUR FAMILY LOOK LIKE THIS TIME NEXT YEAR???

The suspense is killing me. But I've got to keep going...one day (or sometimes hour) at a time. Thank God for a doctor's appointment with R on Monday!

second meeting

We had another meeting with R this past Monday...and it's Thursday. This week has been CRAZY busy!

We were there at the agency for almost two hours, and we talked (with our counselors) about lots of different things. R told us a lot about her family history -- traditions, locations, and people who are special to her. She has actually written her son a letter already so that he can have something to read later in life that gives him personal information about her and how she came to this decision. She also wants him to be able to find other relatives later, which we love. We don't ever want him to wonder where he came from...we want him to know his story.

We also talked about email, and we've decided to begin a blind email with her on a probably weekly basis. A few weeks ago we weren't sure if we should open ourselves up to this, but with our counselor's advice and some solid expectations, we are going ahead with it. As I've said before, R needs lots of love and support, and it doesn't seem like she's getting it from anywhere else. We feel like this is one way that we can be there for her. Our communication at this point will be through emails and doctor's appointments mainly, because she's about to go to two-a-month appointments.

R seems to be processing more and more what this is going to be like for her if she goes through with the adoption...she mentioned her thoughts about the hospital, including who will be there and that it will be strange to leave without the baby, which obviously brings her a lot of sadness. She is also having a hard time dealing with the reactions of the people around her that know she has chosen adoption. She has a two-year-old daughter, and she feels that this pregnancy is so different than her last one as far as how people are responding (or not responding). Some are choosing not to comment on her pregnancy at all, and some are saying awkward things to her. It was difficult to know what to do when she started pouring her heart out...I didn't know if she just wanted a listening ear or if she wanted some reassurance. I eventually told her that I was NOT in her situation, but I have learned that anytime something awkward or hard to deal with happens, people unfortunately often respond by...not responding at all. They say it's because they don't know what to say or they don't want to make things worse by saying the wrong thing, but those are just lame excuses for not wanting to face the awkwardness themselves. I told her that a TON of people I know think that she is absolutely amazing, and if they could see her, they would want her to know that they pray for HER as much as or more than you pray for us. That made her smile, so I was glad I said what I did. This is just so hard for her...it's a very hard thing for us to see, because something that is going to bring us so much joy will bring her so much pain, which in turn will bring us pain. There is no perfect ending here where everyone rides off into the sunset...it's a tough thing.

I feel kind've...peaceful but not solid about the whole thing now. Not that I ever felt totally solid...this is hard to explain. There are things R said that show that she is 100% (right now), like calling us his parents and asking about what our nursery decor will be. She was genuinely excited and interested in our plans. Then she seemed so sad and downhearted about life in general at different times in the conversation...I can't imagine anyone going through the pain of giving someone a child in the midst of all that.

We are praying now that God will prepare her heart...and ours...for whatever is going to happen. We know that God has put her in our lives for a reason. We know that God has all the days of our lives in His book before one of them comes to be. Whatever His plan is, it is SO good. Best of all, we know that He will always be by our sides, no matter what the ending is.

"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." Psalm 27:13-14

dreams. yuck.

I had an awful dream last night. Whenever I have dreams that I remember, they're almost always bad ones...I can't even remember ANY good dreams I've ever had. I used to have this dream over and over that I was on the school playground and my dad was there for some reason. He would always be standing downhill from the swingset, and all of a sudden someone would shoot him; then his entire body would start to deflate like a pool float. I would try so hard to get to him, but it was like my body moved in slow motion, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get to him before all of the air was out of his body. By the time I would get to him, he would be a pile of plastic-looking skin, and I would wake up in this state of panic and crying and sadness, sweating like a pig. It would always take a few minutes to get my breathing back to normal and calm down enough to realize that none of it really happened. The weird thing was, as horrible as the images of the dream were, it was the feelings of helplessness and sheer terror that I really remember...it's awful! Thankfully, I haven't had all of that dream in a LONG time...

Last night was a different scenario, probably because all I have on my mind at the moment is tomorrow's meeting with R. I dreamed that our counselor called my hubby, and he was all happy to talk to her, and then all of a sudden he started saying, "It's ok....it's ok," over and over. I had him put it on speaker phone, and our counselor was SOBBING. I even remember how it sounded...it was terrible! She was telling us that R had changed her mind about adoption for Little Guy, and she just didn't understand it. Hubby kept telling her that God knew the outcome of this all along, and we needed to trust Him, but she just could not be consoled, which made me feel so horrible in the dream...I couldn't talk, and I wanted to comfort her. Again, I woke up in a pool of sweat and breathing like I just ran a marathon.

Here's the thing...our counselor is SO not like that. She is very compassionate, knowledgeable, experienced, capable, encouraging, and realistic at the same time...but she doesn't lose it. I think that's why it shook me up so much. It just seemed so real that her emotions were out of control; it scared me to death! I felt helpless and completely overwhelmed because she is supposed to be the one to show ME how to respond! Tomorrow, no matter what happens in the meeting, I'm counting on her to carry the conversation when we need her and kind've guide us along, because that's what she does, and she does it well. We love her. So I'm really hoping I don't see her tomorrow and this stupid dream is the first thing that pops into my mind!

I'm pretty sure I know the reason for my wacko dreams, too...our house has been freezing cold at night, so I've been piling on the clothes and blankets. Anytime I do that, I eventually get too hot and it does something to my brain! I've already decided that I'm not wearing a sweatshirt to bed tonight...

what to do...

Well, I still don't know what I'm wearing to next Monday's meeting with R. Probably because I'm thinking a lot more about what we'll be talking about than what I'll be wearing. After getting feedback from our counselor and R's counselor, it seems that this meeting will have a LOT to do with communication...how we've been communicating, how she wants to communicate until the baby comes, how we want to communicate until the baby comes, and how we'll communicate if he is placed with us. Heavy stuff.

I look back at how the hubby and I went into orientation in January of 2008, and I am really thankful for the way God has worked in our hearts. In our ignorant, desperate, and frightened state at that time, we thought that the best way for us to be great adoptive parents was for a birthmom to pick us, meet us, give us her baby, and ride off into the sunset, contacting our agency after a few years to check up on her child in case he or she ever wanted to know anything about her. Just reading back over that almost makes me laugh in disgust, because it is just so dumb. This woman is giving us THE GREATEST gift...life. A life that literally belongs to her. We will forever owe her for the blessing of making our family! Obviously, our perspective has taken a total 180...but even though we totally love and appreciate and stand in awe of her, things are still confusing...

I wish I could tell in detail some of the things we are dealing with right now so that I could get feedback from all of you on what you think is logical, gracious, loving, yet careful. But I don't feel like I can at the moment. What I've settled on for the moment is this...we're ALL IN on this thing. It's either all or nothing. Will we get hurt? Maybe. Will we end up making some dumb decisions along the way? Possibly. Will we regret putting our hearts out there and letting R see that we truly care and let the walls down, so to speak, with our experiences in the next 10 1/2 weeks? I really don't think we will. Because if this does happen, it will make the whole experience that much richer. And if it doesn't happen, at least she will know that someone DID care about HER...not just her baby, and not just creating a family. For us right now, she is the focus. And I'm pretty sure that's as it should be...

am i the only one?

I've had this thing I do since....I can't even remember when it started. Anytime I am looking forward to something, I especially remember it either when I'm doing something I only do periodically (pack up school supplies, put away the Christmas tree, drag out the winter clothes and put away the summer clothes) or when I'm buying something that takes me forever to use (foundation, lipstick, vanilla). When I was younger, I distinctly remember helping my mom take down the Christmas tree and thinking, "Maybe this time next year I'll FINALLY have a boyfriend." (LOL) When I bought another 24-roll package of toilet paper, I thought, "This is the LAST package I will ever have to buy for my college dorm room!" When I bought some mascara in May of 2004, I thought, "This is the mascara I'll use on my wedding day!" Sometimes I even write myself notes to find months/years later just for the fun of it. I'm hoping that has more to do with nostalgia than weirdness.

For the past few years, all of the "looking forward to" was actually more like "wondering desperately". When I was putting away the Christmas tree last year, I thought, "God, please tell me that I won't be getting this out again next year with still no news on the adoption front." When I got my summer clothes out a few months ago, I prayed, "God, please let there be good news the next time I see this sweater!" Silly? Maybe. It's just what I do.

Well, I went to the grocery store Saturday...and I needed some face cream. You know...the big jar of Po.nds that lasts FOREVER. And of course, I immediately thought, "Will we bring home a baby boy while I'm still using this?"

And we just might:)

We got an update on R today; she had another doctor's appointment last Friday, and everything is looking good for the January 24th due date. We're supposed to meet again in a couple of weeks at the agency, so I'm excited about that. Still praying for some issues that haven't been resolved, but maybe they will be cleared up at the meeting. Looking forward to picking out what to wear for this third meeting so I can think about it every time I see the outfit...:)